


Ruthless

by schaflos



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternative Ruthless Background, Angst, Child Death, Colonist (Mass Effect), Gen, Mass Effect 1, Nightmares, Ruthless (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schaflos/pseuds/schaflos
Summary: She could hear the people whispering behind her back.They called her many different things. Dumb, inexperienced, heartless. But the one that always stuck the most was another.Ruthless.
Kudos: 3





	Ruthless

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god I am so scared. This is my first English fanfic ever so please be gentle <3  
> I hope you have fun reading!

Rustling behind a nearly overthrown wall.

Shepard stopped dead in her tracks and crouched down behind the nearest cover she could find. A small ditch behind an even smaller pile of dirt had to do. She held her breath and listened. There were gunshots far off in the distance, but apart from that she could not detect any more sounds. But it was better to be safe than sorry. Shepard carefully shifted her weight to get into a better position and gripped her weapon a little tighter. With tense shoulders she risked a look over the dirt pile. Nothing. She waited. Eyeing the collapsed building a few feet in front of her with high alert. Still nothing. Just as she started to feel silly for overreacting, there was movement in the corner of her eye.

It happened so fast.

The soft clinging of metal that sounded like Geth’ armor.

Something moving quickly behind the wall to her right.

Her finger pulling the trigger.

The pained scream of terror.

It was wrong, so wrong. Shepard knew it immediately.

Geth didn’t scream of terror. Geth didn’t cry. And most importantly ...

... Geth didn’t make choking sounds when they died.

Instead of a Geth soldier lying motionless on the ground and her heart swelling with pride to have such good reaction times, there was a little girl flailing in the dirt and her belly filled with dread. Shepard stood there for a moment, shocked, until her brain slowly started working again.

No, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

She rushed over to the girl and for the first time in all her years in the military she cursed her aiming skills. The girl was gasping for air, her eyes shot open wide, her hands roaming over her body to the gunshot wound in her chest.

„No. No. No, no, no ...“

Shepard found her words again. She dropped her gun, falling on her knees next to the little girl and pressed her hands on the wound. The bleeding needed to be stopped. If she could stop the bleeding -

“Please, no. No, no ...“

There was so much blood. Blood on the girl, blood on her armor, blood on her gun. It was everywhere, the girl seemed to be drenched in it, swimming in a pool of red. And Shepard could not stop it. The girl's face turned from white to ashen in what seemed a matter of seconds and suddenly her body went limp, her expression locked in terror. There was mumbling through her intercom, but Shepard ignored it, instead pressing harder on the wound. _Stop the bleeding, stop the bleeding, stop the bleeding, CPR?, stop the bleeding, stop the bleeding ..._

“... ard, do you copy?“

No, she didn’t want to hear, she needed to focus!

“Shepard, do you copy?“

It was Anderson. Of course, it was Anderson.

“Jill?“

His voice sounded desperate, but Shepard could not answer him. Tears were streaming down her face as realization dawned on her. The girl was dead.

Dead.

Because of her.

It was her fault.

“Jill, where are you?”

“Is everything all right?”

“Lieutenant can you get to her? She isn’t responding.”

“Jill?“

Shepard looked at her hands covered in blood, her nails digging into the girl’s chest. This was not supposed to happen. This was supposed to be a Geth soldier, an enemy, an armed enemy, who knew the rules of killing or be killed. Only now she realized that she had been sobbing violently the whole time. Again, she looked down on the motionless face of the little girl. Her blonde curls were wet from Shepard’s tears and there was still blood oozing from the wound. She was young that was all Shepard brain could focus on. Seven, maybe eight. So young …

“I’m sorry ... I’m so sorry ... I didn’t mean to ... I’m so sorry ...“

And suddenly the girl’s head moved as she looked directly at her. Blood was gushing over her chin as she hissed:

“You’re ruthless.“

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears, as Shepard awoke in cold sweat. She stared blankly at the ceiling, trying to get her breathing back under control. It took her a few minutes of controlled inhales and exhales to bring her back from the brink of a panic attack. It was the last thing she needed right now. She waited until her hands did not feel as cold anymore, the tight feeling in her chest started to loosen and her brain could focus on something else than the ceiling before she sat up. The digital clock on the nightstand told her that she barely slept two hours and it was still the middle of the night. But sleeping after a nightmare was never high on her priority list anyway. All she needed was some air. And then everything would be fine again. Physically at least.

Whenever Shepard was on Citadel she liked to wander around through the endless corridors until she was close to getting lost. There was just something so calming about the repeating patterns of the gray tiles under her feet that kept her anxiety at bay. She stopped her [] when she reached a bigger plaza with huge windows that showed her the blinking lights of Citadel’s buzzing nightlife. Shepard stepped in front of the window and took in all the small little lights, buildings and shuttles. Citadel was still a miracle to her. How come so much life could exist in one place? The railing under her hands was cold when she grabbed it. It felt weirdly calming.

She never learned the name of the little girl.

Just shortly after her death a second Geth’ ship was spotted and neither the Alliance’ officers nor the Normandy crew was equipped to handle a second wave. She faintly remembered Anderson calling for retreat over the intercom and then someone found her still hovering over the girl’s body. Was it Kaidan? She couldn’t remember. Whoever it had been, pulled her away from the body and toward a Mako. After that everything was a blur. They must have gotten back to the Normandy somehow, Anderson probably talked to her, but all Shepard could focus on was the girl’s blood all over her hands and legs. She remembered showering a lot in the next couple of hours, but the blood never really went away. To this day she could still feel it, itching just under her skin where she could never get it off, forever burned into her body.

After that she could hear the people whispering behind her back.

They called her many different things. Dumb, inexperienced, heartless. But the one that always stuck the most was another.

Ruthless.

Was she truly ruthless for killing that little girl?

Shepard asked herself that question over and over again the following years. She still hadn’t come to a conclusion. When she told her colleagues and friends what happened the reactions were always the same and yet different.

Anderson told her immediately that accidents happen. She did not shoot that poor girl on purpose, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and even though what happened was of course still horrible, you had to move on and learn from your mistakes. Still, he patiently discussed with her while yes you should feel bad and apologize if you can, drowning in remorse was not the most helpful coping mechanism either.

Joker was … well Joker. He did not exactly tell her what was going on in his mind and instead brushed the topic off as quickly as possible to focus on the future instead. All his other arguments came from a soldier standpoint. (“And what if you’ve waited? What if it really had been a Geth’ soldier? Do you think _he_ would’ve waited? Hell, no!”)

Sometimes she thought they had it easy with their opinions.

Kaidan mostly agreed with the two of them and even though Shepard never doubted his loyalty something about their friendship felt off ever since. But Kaidan was not a person to openly criticize her, nor was their relationship good enough that he told her what he was thinking. Still, she felt like he saw her in a different light. For the better or the worse, she couldn't quite tell.

Shepard knew there was no right or wrong for the girl’s death.

Yes, she could have taken a moment to register what she was shooting.

Yes, she could have inspected the situation further.

Yes, she could have waited for her partner.

Could have, would have, should have … the girl was still dead and somewhere out there in the galaxy were grieving parents who she couldn’t even apologize to, because no one seemed to be able to tell her the girl’s name.

Steps behind her. They echoed over the little plaza.

Shepard didn’t turn around, she just hoped that person would mind their own damn business and leave her alone. A nightly conversation with a stranger was not exactly what she needed right now. The steps stopped for a short moment and then were coming right in her direction.

“Commander Shepard.”

It wasn’t a stranger but Kaidan who made his way over to her. His face being reflected in the window as he got closer to the railing. Shepard ignored him, hoping he would get the message and just go back to bed. What was he doing here anyway? It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy his company, on the contrary she loved having him as a partner on missions, but for some reason he always had the most awful timing. Kaidan, with clockwork precision, managed to barge in situations where Shepard was really not in the mood for him and his ever-optimistic views. He must have hated her by now, she thought, because their only conversations outside of missions were short-lived and tense.

“The view is quite stunning, isn’t?”

He leaned against the railing in a respectful distance with his arms on the cold metal. Without looking Shepard could tell that he also took in the incredible sight of Citadel’s nightlife. She herself didn’t answer and proceeded to ignore him. It was cruel, she knew, but snapping at him for no reason would be worse, so she decided to keep her mouth shut.

“Commander?”

The hair in the back of her neck stood up as she gulped down her frustration. Couldn’t he just leave? Didn’t he notice that this just wasn’t the right moment?

“Lieutenant.”

Kaidan eyed her from the side, unsure how to interpret her mood, so Shepard proceeded to make it very clear to him:

“Is there something you need, Alenko?”

The words hit him hard, Shepard could tell. He flinched slightly at the harsh undertone when she called him by his last name. His posture changed too, moving from casually leaning against the railing to a more upright stand. But alas … he still didn’t leave.

“Is everything all right, Commander?”

“I’m fine.” Why must Kaidan always be so polite? It only hurt more to shut him up. “Isn’t it a bit late for you, Lieutenant?”

Shepard underestimated his stubbornness.

“If you want to talk about -”

“I think you should go to bed, Lieutenant.”

“I just wanted to say that if you -”

“ _Goodnight_ , Alenko.”

For a moment neither of them spoke. Kaidan just looked at her with big brown eyes and Shepard didn’t know if she really hurt him, or if he was pitying her. Either way she felt like she just kicked a puppy. Hard. With an army boot.

Finally he gave in with a nod.

“Goodnight, _Commander_.”

She watched him go, before she turned back to the window. Great, now she felt even more shitty. _Good job, Jill. Really, just awesome turning him away like that._ She would need to apologize and blame it on her lack of sleep. Kaidan was one of the last people being on her side no matter what. Pushing him away was purely unfair.

“Well, maybe I’m ruthless after all”, Shepard sighed.


End file.
